WAAAAAAAAAH? WHAT THE CRAPOLA HAPPENED HERE!
by Dreadfulfaerie
Summary: The Bad Touch Trio decides to go to the bar together, and all hell breaks loose. WARNING, YAOI AND CRACK AHEAD! Written by me & my friends Marisa-chan & Stefanie-chan!


One day the Bad Touch Trio decided to go out for a few drinks at their favorite sleazy, cheap bar, when suddenly France's Eiffel Tower was acting up and decided it wanted to help Prussia invade some vital regions. Across the room they spotted a very drunk little Canadian who was depressed because no one could see him.

"Who is that? Dios mio, he looks rapeable!" said Spain, already drunk off his ass.

"Zat is Matthiu," responded France. And with that they stumbled over to Canada.

Prussia proceeded to smack the shit out of both of them at the same time and screamed,"MEIN! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM BECAUSE HIS VITAL REGIONS BELONG TO AWESOME PRUSSIA UND ONLY AWESOME PRUSSIA!"

Canada, hearing this, stood up on a table and started yelling, "DID YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEONE NOTICED ME!" But because he was Canada, nobody heard. Meanwhile, Spain was laying on the floor eating tomatoes while France was getting NEKKID!

Gilbert used the best pickup line he could think of. "Hey, baby. You remind me of a screen door, 'cause I wanna slam you all day long."

Canada had never been flirted with much before, because no one ever noticed him, so he thought it was not a bad pickup line. He tried out one he had been saving for a while, "Um, uh, P-please be my pancake, I uh, want to get syrup all over you... eh?" Prussia was so impressed at Canada's mad skillz of pickup lines that he jizzed in his pants right then and there.

That's when The Axis entered the bar. Germany noticed his brother cuddling the air, with a stain on his pants and he decided not to ask.

So he took his friends to the bar and said, "Vould you guys like anysing to drink?"

"SAKE!" said Japan, all kawaii and shit.

"PASTAAAA!" Italy yelled.

"Feliciano, zats not a drink," Germany facepalmed.

Italy was very sad and disappointed. Pasta was too a drink! So he pulled out his phone and called his brother Romano, the Tomato Box Fairy. Romano was actually at home sleeping, so Italy's call woke him up.

"WHAT-A THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? IT'S ONE IN-A THE GODDAMN MORNING, VENEZIANO!"

"Ve~ Ciao Romano! I was-a wondering if you could-a turn pasta into a drink for me-a!"

"Fratello, that's-a disgusting. I'm not turning-a pasta into a drink for you. I'm-a going back-a to bed." And Romano hung up.

Italy was very sad, he really had wanted a pasta drink. So he decided to look around the bar for some friends, he spotted France sitting a little ways away. "Big Brother France~!" he shouted, running over to the naked man.

"Ohonhonhon~! Well if isn't little Italy, mon petit frère! What are you doing tonight, besides me?" He winked suggestively at poor Italy.

Italy, totally not getting what he meant, said, "Germany~ Germany is here, oh and Japan too! And we're all hanging out together at this bar, then we're going to sleep over at Germany's house! Well, I am. Japan's not coming, and Germany doesn't know yet..."

France's eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store. "...Can I come?" _Menage a trois!_ he thought mischievously.

"Si Okay~! I'll-a go ask-a Germany!" He bounced over to the large German man, now on his third beer.

"Doitsu! Can France and I—"

"Before you even finish zat sentence, HELL TO ZHA NO! Nothing involvink France. You belong to me und I am not letting him defile you." Ludwig interrupted.

"Ehhh? I belong-a to-a Germany? Germany! I didn't know-a we were such close-a friends! Don't worry, I wont like-a France more than you! I like-a France, but Germany is my special friend!"

Italy suddenly felt himself being pulled into the drunken German's arms. "Feliciano... Ich liebe dich." And with that he started making out with the confused Italy.

"L-Ludwig..." said the shocked Italian when he was finally released, "Germany, ah ti amo Germany."

"Let me be your love monkey," Germany slurred.

"Si! Okay!" exclaimed Italy.

France watched from a distance. "I'm so confused! Does zis mean I get to come or not!" He didn't have to worry about what they were doing for much longer though, although he was having fun watching them, because at that moment England jumped up on a table and ripped off his clothes.

Then Belgium walked in... and slowly backed out. (Yay, Belgium!)

France's Eiffel Tower jumped in excitement. "Ohonhonhon! Looks like Angleterre is slammed. RAPE TIME!" And he ran to go glomp him.

England didn't really know what was going on, but he knew enough to start hitting France with his ale bottle.

"I'm teh bl'o'y Bri'ish Empi'eh!" he slurred. Then Flying Mint Bunny flew in and told him to stop.

"W'ud d'yah me'n stop! Stop wha'h? I be teh bl'o'y Bri'ish Empi'eh an' you can't tell meh wut tah daouu."

He woke up suddenly in a bathroom, unclothed, with France. Of course with his vision was so blurred he couldn't see what he was doing, but then he saw Francis, and he sobered up real fast.

"Fuck," France said. "'E sobaired up! Zat means I need to buy 'im more drinks."

England started screaming, "BLOODY HELL, FRANCE! WHY WERE WE KISSING?"

"Because, mon amour, you love me. You can't resist ze France. You're just too pigheaded to admit it," France cooed.

"I am not!" England said, turning around and blushing.

"Must I show you 'ow much we are meant to be?" France said, straddling England to keep him from moving.

"OH GOD, NO!" England yelped.

Francis looked at Arthur's big sexy eyebrows with lust in his eyes. "OHONHONHONHON!"

Twenty minutes later, they stumbled out of the bathroom with their hair disheveled and sweat everywhere. England was scarred for life, but he secretly enjoyed it.

Back at Romano's house, his tomato senses were tingling, "I feel a bastardo Potato molesting mio fratello!" He jumped out of his bed, "CHIGI! I'm-a coming Veneziano!" Then a swarm of turtles came to his aid. He rode said turtles to the bar, still in his pink polka-dotta pajamas.

But the turtles were actually taking him to Spain, who was at the bar! As he entered on his turtle army Spain jumped off of the floor that he was lying on exclaiming, "Roma~ you are so cute in those pajamas! I bought them for you for Christmas and you said you'd never wear them. You've made the boss so happy Roma~!"

"SHIT! I forgot-a to change!" Romano screamed. "Don't look! I'm-a so ugly!"

France comes running. "Is zat more people to rape, I'm sensing?" he said with huge kawaii hearts in his eyes. Romano saw him and did the world's manliest girl screech.

"PROTECT ME, ANTONIO!"

England grabbed France by the collar, "Oh no you don't, Frog!"

"Huh?"

"You can't just go off and rape people when you said you loved me!" Britain sobbed.

"Don't worry Roma, I'll always protect mi tomate." Spain Pulled out an ax. "France, you may not rape mi tomate because he's-" Spain stopped his long speech because France and England had just begun making out.

"Well, if you can't beat them, join them!" Spain said, knocking over a bunch of drinks over and setting Romano down on the bar.

"You tomato bastard," Lovino muttered. Then they started making out too.

In the middle of this America flew in, superhero style, followed by Russia whom he was having an epic battle with.

"He's after me Lucky Charms!" said America, using a giant cereal spoon as a sword, while Russia jumped from table to table, swinging at him with his pipe.

"I will be killing you now, da?" said Russia.

"Only if you can catch me first you commie bastard." America shouted back.

"Oh look, it's my big sister," said Russia.

America whipped around,"WHERE? BOOOOBIEEEESSSS!" Russia took advantage of this to kill America by knocking his head off with his giant cock of communism.

But because America was so annoying he rose from the dead, stuck his head back on, and started dancing all sexy-like. And out of nowhere, Party Rock Anthem started playing. So America's obnoxious ass got up on a table and started shuffling. So China threw a giant panda at him and it knocked him off the table.

America was like, "Woah Dude whats with the panda yo?" And China was all like, "I will take panda away when you pay debt!"

"Here's a credit card," America said, handing him his "credit card."

And China said, "This is exactly how you got into debt America, I own the money on that card -aru." China looked closer at the card."You bai chi! Dis is not credit card! Dis is Pokemon card!"

Japan looked over. "That's right!" shouted America, "Let's battle!" Japan came over decked up in full Ash cosplay.

"Hey! That's MY Pokemon card! Amelica, stop stearing shit!" Kiku said, snatching the card. But he was intrigued by this idea of Pokemon battle... and he was quite drunk, although he didn't show it much... He had four bottles of sake, but he was actually really good at pretending to be sober, with that quiet demeanor.

"A-Amelika, I wrill Pokemon battrle you!" he said. "PIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU!" he shouted as he hurled a Poké ball at the floor. The ball was plastic and there was nothing inside, so it just broke. Japan started crying. :,(

Greece donned a kitty suit and jumped in front of Japan so he would feel better. He started doing the Nyan dance all kawaii and stuff and Japan stopped crying and glomped him.

"Greece, I ruv you. Rets fry into space together!"

So Greece said, "Japan...grab...my ears..." And Japan did and they fleeeeeeeew away! ADVENTURE..!

While in space Japan and Greece met the Nyan cat since they were both big fans. They ate him and gained Nyan powers! They now could fart rainbows whenever they wanted. KAWAII!

The flying mint bunny told Britain that he imagined the whole thing. "Wow, seriously? Am I really that drunk that I imagined them flying? I seriously need to get some sleep," Britain said to himself.

BUT IT WASN'T A DREAM! Greece and Japan crashed through the roof of the bar using their NYAAAAN powers! But everyone was to busy *aheming* to actually notice. "Yaaaay, Nyan cat!" they said together. Then they went back to partying and getting drunk because no one actually cared. Except Canada, but he was busy. With Prussia. :)

Hungary was really drunk and had actually came to the bar without Austria because he's too lame to go party. "Stoopid Austriaaaaa. Too lame to go out partying with meeee. And then she saw Prussia... and he was doing weird things... with the air... She walked over to Prussia and sat next to him and Canada.

"Gil-Gil! I'm having such a good tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime," she slurred. "You should have sex with me," she shouted.

"A threesome? AWESOME!" Prussia said.

But Canada didn't agree. "AW HELL NAW!" he said, and smacked the bitch. Just to prove Prussia was his, he pulled out a can of authentic maple syrup *made in Canada* and poured it on his head. Then he stamped a maple leaf to Prussia's hand of awesome.

"Get your own damn 5 metres!" He said, and falcon kicked Hungary. Hungary pulled out her frying pan, this was getting serious...

Then America used the Sexy No Justu to turn into a hot naked girl to distract everyone. France pounced on the Fem! America as chaos reigned over the bar.

Prussia just sat and watched, happy two awesome chicks were fighting over him, and yes, he meant birds...

After he was done watching Gilbird and Pierre fight, he turned around to watch Canada and Hungary beating the shit out of eachother.

Canada managed to kick Hungary off a cliff. "He's mine, ho!" He shouted after her, before jumping into Prussia's arms.

Just then, Seychelles walked into the bar. "Hay guize! I'm Seychelles!"

"Hey Seychelles, if you're from around Africa, why are you white?" asked America.

"OHMAIGAWD, America! You can't just ask why someone is white!" said Britain.

"Hey, I wonder where Russia went -aru," said China. Just then, the entire bar was bombed. The last thing everyone heard before they died was, "KOLKOLKOLKOLKOL."

There was Romano with Russia. "WHAT THE FUCK, BASTARDO! SPAIN WAS IN THERE." Cried out Romano.

Suddenly Spain pulled himself out of the rubble, brandishing his ax menacingly. "Who tried to kill Roma?" He spotted Russia kolling away next to Romano on a hill.

"Aw hell naw! Russia, why the fuck did you do this!" he said, reclaiming his Romano. "Take this, you bastard!" And then they shoved a million tomatoes into Russia's mouth, choking him to death. Russia melted into a pile of goo that proceeded to disperse into the world. The only thing left of him was a whispering, "I shall always be watching you..."

Spain stood on the hill, the sunset glowing gold hues over his skin. He turned to Romano, who was blushing madly, and tilted his head up, "Ro-ma..."

"S-spain..." said Romano, "You, you Bastard..."

Spain leaned in, "I know what you mean Romano, I love you too." They kissed right there, the sun melting behind them as the day slowly turned to night. It was quite Romantic. And then Switzerland came out of nowhere and popped up between them. "COCKBLOCK!" he shouted.

In the rubble, Italy awoke to the sound of pained panting. He looked up. In the slight light he could see Germany holding up the ceiling of the building with his bare hands. "G-germany!" he exclaimed.

"Italy! Go!" shouted Germany, "I can't hold this for much longer your have to go!"

"No!" said Italy.

"What?"

"I can't leave Germany here alone!" He pulled out one of his white flags and blew into the stick to inflate it, he placed it next to Germany holding up the rubble. "There!" said Italy "It's-a perfect!"

So Germany let go, and they were squished to death by the rubble. Meanwhile, Prussia went by and threw a cigarette at Germany. "Rest in peace soldier." He looked at Italy. "You were an idiot. You don't deserve a cigarette." Then he went off to troll Spain and Romano.

Canada followed after Prussia, "Prussia did you forget about me like everyone else?"

"Nope! Now bend over." HE DID! "Wait, who are you again?" Prussia asked. Canada started to cry. "AHAHAHA! I'm just fucking with you. I know who you are," he laughed and then proceeded to steal his vital regions.

Sealand sat behind a tree watching the two of them... "Wow! If I do that to someone they'll have to make me a country!" He went up to Prussia to ask for pointers so that he could do it right.

Then slave maid Poland walks in, obviously in his maid outfit for no reason... "Like c'mon, Liet!" he said, dragging Lithuania behind him.

Meanwhile, Lichtenstein was sitting next to Switzerland, stuffing hamburgers into her mouth and wearing slutty clothes.

"OM NOM NOM Big broderrrrrrr, am I prettyyyyy?" she said with her mouth full.

Switzerland looked like he was about to pass out. "Jesus Christ, why did I leave you alone with America!"

America sat in the tree behind them, his brain implant was going perfectly, perfectly! Muahahahaha! Replacing part of her brain with his was a genius plan... In fact, America wanted to go tell his big brudder all abo- never mind...he straitened out his red dress and continued watching.

She/he found Austria sitting beside a bush playing with a piano app on his iPhone. She/he got up in his face and said,"YO AUSTRIA! WAZZUP HOMIE!"

He looked like he was about to shoot her. "LET'S PLAY THE PENIS GAME! I'LL GO FIRST! PE-"

"DON'T SAY PENIS IN THIS HOUSE!" Austria shouted, interrupting her.

"Liechtenstein, what are you doing!" yelled Switzerland as he came into Austria's house, brandishing guns.

"I'm not Liechtenstein!" She/he yelled, "I'm The U S of L! The United States of Liechtenstein and we're awesome!"

"Little sister, you need a time out!" he growled, and then he shot her.

America ran up to Switzerland, "Big Bruder! America switched brains!"

"...Shit," he said. "How the hell do you switch back! I just shot your body!"

"I did not switch brains!" yelled America.

"Yes you did!" America cried, "Yes you did and now Big Bruder will never accept me!"

"I don't want his acceptance dude!" yelled America, "Shut up!"

"I QUIT!" Switzerland shouted, and then he put his gun in his mouth.

"No!" Yelled Austria, "Don't kill yourself!" He blushed, "I mean, Don't kill yourself on my carpet... Ja..."

Switzerland blushed and started tearing up. "You... you actually care if I die?" He said with the most kawaii moe face ever.

"Ja! Ja I care if you die." Then he pulled out his magical piano horse and he and Switzerland got on it and galloped into the sunset. Aww!

Meanwhile, after Prussia had finished invading Canada's vital regions, Sealand decided to go up to him. "Excuse me sir! Will you teach me how to do that! I want to so I can become a real country!" he asked innocently.

"Ja! In order to become a badass like ze awesome me, you gotta be able to take people's vital regions," Prussia said in his obnoxiously loud voice. Then he pushed Sealand down onto a bed. Sealand was confused.

"Wah! What are we gonna do on the bed? POMF =3"

"THIS IS HOW WE DO IT! PREPARE YOURSELF! KESESESE!"

"OHSHI-"

TEN MINUTES LATER

Prussia stood in front of the bed, "- when you do the awesome fold you must always remember to pull the corners of the bed sheets together. This gives the bed sheets a more triangle and therefore more awesome shape. See?" Sealand gave it a try hoping he had folded the bed sheets correctly. Then Sealand pissed on the bed. "I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"

Meanwhile, Canada decided to nuke the whole world, starting with Germany and Russia. "I'll show them!" He pressed the button and the nuke is landing in 3...2...1...!

AND THEN EVERYBODY DIED! The end," said Patrick to Spongebob. "THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL!" Spongebob cried.

Germany stood up out of the rubble, pulling Italy along with him. "Wait, wait, wait a second!" He turned to the writers of this story, "We already died in this fanfiction! This doesn't make any sense! This story has to many loose ends, way to many sex scenes, and characters coming back from the dead and-"

"Ve~ but Germany, this is a crack fic, it doesn't matter!" So they just went with it.

"And then-well, that's why you have blond hair Luddy..." Said Prussia to Germany. "Now go play with Italy."

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND HAD AN ORGY WHICH RESULTED IN PANGAEA. THE END," Said America to England. "See, Iggy! I CAN make a good story. LOVE YA~"

And then the continents moved apart and stuff and all the countries turned into dinosaurs. And they decided to turn magically human. Of course, with the new continent organization, UK was right next to US and far from France. *cough cough* But He Still Had Hot Tsundere Sex With France *cough cough*

And that, children, is how the world came to be. Be sure to share this with all your history teachers. :D

And all the history teachers turned to their books and said, "Wait no, dat not right!" So they used history powers to put the earth back together!

THE END! (Or is it?)


End file.
